A Masterclass in Colonial Cosplay by Tucker Carlson, World Governments Summit 2026 Dubai Edition —Published 5 February 2026 | By Tete Getty — Couch Conversations | Tete Getty House | TGRI
Right, let’s get this out of the way: it’s 2026, not 1884. The Berlin Conference is over, the Scramble is done, and we’ve all had a good 142 years to get over the fact that some chaps in frock coats drew squiggly lines on a map and called it “civilisation”. Yet here comes Tucker Carlson, striding onto the World Governments Summit stage like a Victorian explorer who’s just discovered that the natives now have PowerPoint and opinions. Moderating “Is the Next Decade African?” with Presidents Mnangagwa, Bio, and Boko, Tucker delivered what can only be described as a Greatest Hits of Tired Western Journalism bingo card. Full house, mate. No blackout.
Full disclosure: I like Tucker Carlson. Well, recent like, genuine though. The man’s got guts—he’s one of the few Western voices who’s consistently called out the endless wars, the regime-change obsessions, and the hypocrisy of a foreign policy that preaches democracy while propping up chaos abroad. Pan-Africans credit him for shining a light on how U.S. interventions (and sanctions) often backfire spectacularly, for platforming uncomfortable truths about global power imbalances, for interviewing leaders the mainstream media ignores or demonizes, and for pushing back against the narrative that the West is always the moral arbiter. He’s anti-imperialist in his own way—skeptical of endless foreign entanglements, critical of elite consensus, and willing to let strongmen speak without the usual filter. It’d actually be cool if he one day became U.S. president; imagine a White House that finally questions why America keeps meddling in places it barely understands, instead of doubling down on the same failed playbook.
But man… in this panel? Oof. The questions felt straight out of the old scriptbook, and for us Africans watching from London, Harare, Freetown, Gaborone—or anywhere with decent Wi-Fi—it’s now straight-up comic. Every geopolitical conference has become must-see TV: the same old loaded questions, the same furrowed brows from the interviewer, the same calm shutdowns from leaders who’ve heard it all before. We pop popcorn, refresh X, and laugh. It’s not anger anymore; it’s mild amusement, like watching a rerun of a bad sitcom where the punchline never changes.
Exhibit A: The Classic “China vs West” Trap Question.
Tucker to President Mnangagwa: “Do you think Zimbabwe gets a better deal from Chinese investment than from Western powers over the past 150 years?”
Mate. 150 years? That’s not a question; that’s a historical guilt trip with compound interest.
Mnangagwa shuts it down like a Harare traffic cop: “Zimbabwe is a sovereign state… We please ourselves.”
Tucker’s face? The look of a man who’s just been told the Empire really isn’t coming back.
Exhibit B: The Birth Rate Banter That Backfired Spectacularly.
Tucker to President Bio: “How has Sierra Leone maintained a birth rate at replacement when the West can’t?”
Bio, deadpan: “We are hard workers… we work both in the day and at night.” [Audience erupts.]
Tucker, you walked straight into that one. In Britain we call that “having a laugh”; in Africa it’s called “not taking your bait”. We’re not your replacement fertility solution; we’re just living.
Exhibit C: The Land Reform Landmine (Again).
Tucker presses Mnangagwa: “Some of the land was seized from people who were born there… Is there a lesson about targeting people on the basis of their skin colour?”
Mnangagwa: “Land did not belong to a race… Those who felt superior left.”
Delivered with the calm of a man who’s heard this script since 2000. It’s like a vegan lecturing a butcher on animal welfare after raiding the fridge.
Exhibit D: The World Domination Whiplash.
President Boko: “Africa is poised to rule the world… to make it fairer, more equitable.”
Tucker, quick sarcasm: “Well, I look forward to being treated fairly under your rule.”
The sarcasm dripped like cheap claret. But Tucker—that wasn’t a threat; it was a vision of equity. You laughed it off because the idea of Africa calling shots is still comedy gold in certain quarters.
Look, educated Africans—the ones who’ve read Fanon, Nkrumah, and the fine print on IMF loans—see straight through this style. It’s not journalism; it’s inherited paternalism in a bow tie. The questions aren’t curious; they’re loaded with old binaries: West good/China bad, democracy good/Africa chaotic, white farmers victims/black leaders vengeful. We’ve heard it from Livingstone to Live Aid to whatever segment is trending this week.
Advice to Journalists (Western, Eastern, whoever’s still stuck in the script):
Level up. It’s 2026.
Ask about AfCFTA tariffs and how they’re rerouting trade away from old colonial ports.
Inquire about youth innovation ecosystems—digital natives building apps that bypass 19th-century infrastructure.
Probe how sanctions actually play out in practice, or how nations adapt to austerity without begging for lectures.
Stop treating us like a morality play for your audience. We’re not here to reassure you the hierarchy is intact.
And for heaven’s sake, drop the 150-year guilt framing. We’re trading, not conquering. No more gotcha traps disguised as “tough questions”. We just want fair deals, open markets, and mutual respect.
Because right now, every time a conference panel starts with the same tired binaries, Africans tune in like it’s a comedy special. We laugh, we meme, we move on—building, integrating, rising. Tucker, you’ve got the platform and the instincts to do better; imagine using it to ask the real questions that accelerate the shift. You’re welcome to join the conversation properly. Or keep providing the entertainment. Either way, the show goes on without the old script.
God almighty, it’s 2026. Time to retire the pith helmet.
Tete Getty — Couch Conversations | Team Africa Popcorn Ready
Leave a Reply